Sunday, April 5, 2009

In a Perfect World

Dame Edna is Carlotta Campion!

Talk around the Café recently turned, as things are wont to do in these parts, from an appreciative remark about that Antipodean Girl With Something Extra, the one and only Dame Edna Everage, to the Broadway favorite of an elite subset of fans, the extraordinary creation that is Follies.

This gave rise, logically enough, to the idea of Dame Edna actually in the show - followed almost immediately by the creation, by deeply and importantly talented Café regular Bill, of the following adaptation of the piece's big number. Were the Dame to take my advice, she would immediately make it her signature song.

I reproduce this little piece of genius here, in genuine admiration and no small glee, with the author's permission.

Imagine the setting - the lights dimming as our lilac-tressed diva moves center stage; she hits her spot, and:

Good times and bum times,
I've seen them all
And, possums,
I’m still here...

Plush velvet sometimes,
Sometimes just Foster's - it's beer,
But I’m here...

I've glued the rhinestones on my specs,
Strewn gladioli, turned down sex -
Seen Salma H. disappear
But I’m here!

I've hawked some makeup,
Shilled for a company called MAC,
But I’m here;
Vanity Fair breakup
Take your advice column back,
But I’m here...

Vegemite sammies in Moonee Ponds
Watched while Madge Alsop sold war bonds
In the Depression was I depressed?
Nowhere near -
I bagged Sir Norman Everage
And I'm here!

I've been through Valmai,
Clifford and Kenny's affair,
And I'm here;
Dear Bruce 'n' Joylene,
Lois, wisteria hair,
And I'm here...

I got through Mel G's drunken blow,
Bridesmaid Madge Alsop,
Russell Crowe -
Had heebie-jeebies for dear Kylie Minogue;
I got through Cruise and Kidman,
And I’m here!

I've gotten through Norman's testicular murmur
Gee, that was fun and a half -
When you've been through someone's testicular murmur
Anything else is a laugh...

Been through Barry Humphries,
I’ve been through Beverly Hills,
And I’m here;
Kookaburras and gum trees,
rest cures, religion, and pills,
And I’m here...

Been called an Outback Aussie Fool,
got through it
out back by my pool
I should've opened an acting school,
…and a bar -
Still someone said, "GigaStar",
so I'm here!

Purple mink one day,
Just can’t resist its allure,
but I'm here;
Top billing Monday,
out on the Dame’s Royal Tour,
but I'm here...

First you're an Aussie housewife name,
Then Kenny's mother,
then The Dame
Then you career from career to career
I’ll write my gorgeous memoirs,
and I'm here!

I've gotten through, "Hey, Edna, aren't you spooky?
Wow, what a looker you are!"
Or better yet, "Sorry, it's just kind of spooky
To meet such a huge GigaStar!"

Good times and bum times,
I've seen 'em all
And, possums,
I'm still here

Plush velvet sometimes
Sometimes just Foster's - it's beer,
But I'm here...

I've run the gamut, ‘cause I care
Three cheers and quick sticks,
Where is Cher?
I got through all of last year,
and I'm here!

Possums, at least I was there,
and I'm here
Look who's here,
I'm still here!

And fade to black as the audience goes wild.

Somewhere, I'd like to think, Yvonne de Carlo, Eartha Kitt, and Ann Miller are having a right chuckle over their cocktails.


  1. Yvonne, Earthe & Ann will soon be joined at the table by Dolores Gray and my favorite interpreter of the song (after Dame Edna, of course), Nancy Walker.

  2. Positively brilliant. Someone get Dame Edna's manager on the phone, ASAP.